Never could get the hang of saturdays.

I woke up from dreams of my grandma dying, and having her body in a casket that could double as a coffee table. I was stuck in the house with her cabinet-table-casket with no one else. I had my cell phone, and it worked. I tried calling my parents house and it just rang and rang the first few times. The funny thing is, it didn't feel weird until the bugs started showing up. Big black millipedes and crickets. I'm sure there were others I'm not remembering. In the dream I rationalized that they were coming because it had been a week or so since my grandma had died. Someone finally came by and put a space heater face down on her casket so it would catch fire and just burn the whole place. That's when it got really weird. The casket just wasn't catching, and then I realized all my clothes and my grandma's stuff was still in the house, so I started packing things. That's when Annie and Mario showed up. She started grabbing things too, and we were in this big rush, but the casket never caught fire. I finally just put the space heater on the ground and we continued packing things. I went into one room, and my cat Ivy was there, and my cat Sparks. He's been dead almost 6 years now, but it was normal to see him in the dream. I was rejoicing them being there because they had an affinity for bug-eating.

It was sometime around then that I woke up, rolled over, and had dreams about starting again at Rolling Stones. They had some new punch clock and I couldn't find my punch card because it had my email address written on it instead of my name.

Once I woke up from that one I figured, Forget it, I'm just staying awake.

I don't have a day off until tuesday. I feel like I haven't had a day off in forever. I really need to tell them to remedy that. I felt really lightheaded at work last night. Headachy too. That's probably no good for the bean.

Speaking of the bean- My first doctor's appointment is April 14th.

Drive-by body pierce!

gettin' crazy with the cheese wiz.

So, I'm upset that most of my friends are on Livejournal. And I'm upset that my pop culture references are seeming to fall on bewildered ears.

Also, I'm wondering if anyone reads this, and if I should not update every day, as the people who read this have actual work to do.

Also also, I'm wondering how much of my recent craziness is hormones and how much is craziness.

I've been feeling very strongly lately that I've fucked up my life, and in doing so fucked up the lives of 2 other people. My fucking up span is exponentially growing.

I'm sick of being so mad I could just cry, and of just crying so much it makes me mad.

And you may find yourself

riding in a Sentra for an entire half of a week. Same as it ever was.

My legs were sore and my patience thin, but the trip was more than worth it. I feel like I gave good cheer to those in need. I got quality nephew time in. I got to eat good college food. Twice. I'm a bit spun from the fleeting trip, so I'll give highlights and hope you all won't mind.

The best thing about Jacksonville was everything, as usual. I got to bring home things that were my great grandma's, and I found some weird coffee mugs to bring back for megan amidst the Great Grandma knickknack rubble. They were covered in dust and other mugs but I still got an ok from my grandpa before leaving them with Megan. She collects weird mugs, so I feel like they'll have a nice new home. I got to see a blue Great Dane at my cousin Bret's. (for those not familiar, blue means gray when you're talking about dogs.) I also got to see Uncle Howard. It's always good to see him and see he's still up and about. It also kind of makes me sad that I have no memories of his wife. I'm sure we've been introduced, but I can't place her in my memory. That's all that's left of her now, and to not have something just seems terrible for someone who (by all accounts) was such a nice wonderful lady. Of course, the Grandma and Grandpa seeing was good too. It always is.

The day spent in St. Louis was a hectic one. It was a nice kind of hectic. We went a little past St. Louis to Kirkwood. There's this place called the Magic House. It's a children's museum. At first, Niko seemed more interested in the fish tank by the entrance. Then it seemed like he was five places at once. I think the only place he stayed still for more than 2 minutes was the room with all the water to play with. If he was older, he probably would've told us his face hurt from smiling so much. After we went through the whole museum we headed to the arch. It's pretty nice I suppose, and probably would've been nicer if we had gone up inside it. I just wasn't really impressed with it. Yes, it's big, but standing next to it and looking up at it just gave me vertigo. It's something best viewed from far away, which I got every time I went to GA. It has a little museum in the places underneath it, but it's one big room and not anything spectacular. I'm glad I went, but it's not anything I'd go out of my way to see again. I was more excited for the TGIFridays we ate at afterwards. Mario took a bunch of pictures, so hopefully I'll have some to put up somewhere soon.

That night involved going to Champaign to visit Mario's brother. I got some Kori time in the next day having lunch a second time. it worked out well, because I got to eat at the 2 most appetizing looking places on the strip. Also, best part about Champaign??? Busey Bank. I kept making jokes and getting blank stares. I wondered aloud if Gary or Jake owned it. Then, when we passed it again, I asked if you have to have big teeth to work there. Then I quietly mumbled how i'd stop, since it was a waste on all of those with me anyways.

Ok, so confession time: I've become addicted to America's Next Top Model. The girl I want to win almost went home yesterday and it made me nervous and kind of sad. Then I felt sad that I was that invested in the show. The things I do since I stopped working so much...

Oh! Before I forget, I got a paper in the mail saying I will be getting my medical card soon, and I think I can go to the doctor with that! I'm excited.

From grandma and grandpa's house we go.

Jacksonville does good things to my soul. I'm sad to be leaving, but I miss steve, and I need to get onto seeing a doctor. The daily emails I'm getting tell me the bean is the size of a big orange. I'd like to see that on an ultrasound.

We're off to St.Louis, and then to Champaign, so hopefully Kori will be around and I can see her. More details as this situation develops.

Misery's the river of the world.

Tom Waits told me that. He sounded like a muppet when he said it, so you know it's got to be true.

I miss my brother and my nephew. In missing them I've become aware that I'm maturing. I'm just not built to carry around that kind of hate. I have left it open for him to talk to me, and flat out asked him to on 2 separate occasions. He hasn't responded.

Speaking of what kind of hate I can carry around... I seem to be a bearer of the 'vibrant firecracker' variety as of late. I feel bad for Steve. I wish I could blame it entirely on hormones, but I really don't want to be one of those ladies who uses a pregnancy as an excuse to be a bitch. Sometimes I surprise myself with how bitchy I get. I guess that's the hormones. I was all too eager to talk sternly to a group of loud obnoxious teenagers on cell phones today. They were standing in a big circle right in the direct flow of traffic through the front lobby of the theater. It felt good to tell them to go stand somewhere that isn't in everyone's way.

I really love knocking teenagers down a peg. Probably too much for my own good.

Lately, I've become addicted to Chipotle tacos. They're expensive but they're soooo good. I'm waiting for the endless stomach and the real cravings to kick in. Although, I shouldn't be welcoming them, considering I'm all alone the whole night with no one to take me places to get things to calm the raging fist-sized bean in my belly.

I suppose I'll have to call it The Fist? No. It's Bean and will be until I find out what name I'm using. Since we've rounded the conversation to baby names, anyone with boy names to fling my way are welcome to comment. So far I'm loving Dylan James, but Steve says we have to see all our options. So far it's the only option I've given him that he hasn't turned down.

I sure wish he worked during the day. I sure wish I could find another night job.

Anyone know anything about medical transcription???

The size of my heart

is apparently the same size the bean is right now. The website I signed up for today says it's about the size of my fist. And you guys know the internet never lies.

The insurance situation isn't nearly as dire as I once thought. It turns out the place I went to to apply and get my pregnancy test done was in the wrong. They didn't fax a sheet I was supposed to have signed, and my proof of pregnancy. I spoke to them yesterday and they said they'd fax it. I even left my number for them to call me when they did. Nobody called. I waited until 1pm today and I called the guy (very, very helpful guy thank god) who is in charge of my Allkids account. He said he never received anything. I called the clinic and they said they'd fax it. I left my number again and this time the girl actually called me to tell me it went through. I tried calling the guy back but had to leave a voicemail and hope he would call me and tell me he got it. So far, no call, but hopefully I'll get one tomorrow. If not I don't mind calling again. It's nice to deal with nice people who don't cut me off every time I try to get a sentence out.

I'm so tired today and I have no idea why. Well, I have some idea. Annie said to take the naps now while I have time, but I really don't want to sleep the whole day away. I guess I could clean, or go through boxes still packed and not even looked at since I moved in. I also have a whole plethora of movie channels to peruse.

it all just seems so lonely and boring. :(

It's an afternoon for mourners but the tears don't come.

Well, I'm gettin sentimental but it's too much work. What's a requiem to a jerk?

Alright. Enough lyrics. I just love that song.

I've successfully put myself on Kris and Lili's shit list. I'm surprised it took this long. Silly me, I figured helping them out even though I had other plans meant they'd be forgiving. Also, you'd think that lili would understand a pregnant lady getting flustered and saying the wrong things. I spoke my mind and hit a nerve, and then they just get to say whatever mean things they want in whatever tone they want and just walk away. *sigh*. Children. I wasn't lying when I said they only call me to babysit. Lili snapped and said the phone works both ways. Yeah. Except when they don't answer text messages or voicemails unless they need someone.

I only wish I had so many people trying to help me out.

I am really sick of shorting myself to help people and then never getting anything but crap for it. And I'm not just talking about my brother, although apparently we're the worst family ever to him, and he doesn't want anything to do with us. I can only hope he'll come to his senses. I guess all he needs is lili and the baby and fuck us if we want to be close to them.

Heaven forbid. How selfish of me.

In other news, my apartment sucks, I'm dirt poor, and I finally got in touch with the insurance people. They said they sent a letter saying they needed more info, and it was due the third. So my application is basically denied because they suck. Now I get to apply again and wonder how much time I can put between taking prenatal vitamins before I hurt the bean. We're rounding the corner heading into second trimester and I haven't seen a doctor yet. :(

Everything's coming up Milhouse.

Summit, Late Nights, and Rolling Stones. Oh My!

I have this insatiable lust for Tom Waits. There is a song where he says "I only want to hear you purr and hear you moan." and I really want to own the cd it's on, if only to listen to it lots and lots. I found out what album it's on today, but neither best buy or rolling stones had it. I did get some nice conversation with old friends in when I went to check for it. Plus, they had it in stock in the warehouse so I should have the cd by tuesday at the earliest. Plus, I told Paul if he wanted me back I'd come back in a heartbeat.

I miss Tall Paul. I miss not having to wear a gimpy little bow-tie.

Today the pregnant girl at work drove me home. I was bored, and she had errands to run, so I said I'd go with her. She said I didn't have to, as I might not like where she was going and what for. I told her I didn't mind as long as we weren't killing anyone. She said she'd enjoy the company.

We drive the half hour or so to Summit, IL. She drives down someone's alley, gives them $40 and grabs something out of his hand. Then, as we're driving away she examines the little tiny bag, and I have a fleeting thought while looking at the white powder.

That's not Ajax.

She said it wasn't for her, that she just picks it up for other people to make extra money. I can believe someone would do that when they're making $.50 less than minimum wage. I just don't know if it's insomnia or something else now, that's been making her weird at work. She's been extra hyper, but that could be a crazy hormone pregnant thing too. I'll choose to believe her now, as it makes me feel better, and I won't go borrowing trouble for things I can't change anyways. I don't mean to judge, as I really don't mind as long as it's not endangering me or mine. She seems really cool, if a little intense and fast-paced. I have to give her credit though, she's pregnant and alone for 2 weeks while her husband is in CA helping to open a new Portillos out there.

There's lots of not cynical reasons why she wouldn't do that stuff. I'm just letting the optimist take over on this one.

I'm off to Wisconsin for the weekend again. Hopefully this time I won't lose my glasses.

"We thought you was a horny toad."

I'm thinking of getting into medical transcription. Apparently I can work from home, and make decent money doing it. Hell, even if I only make $7 an hour, I won't have to pay for a uniform, or gas, or a babysitter once the bean tears itself from my loins.

I'm a bit excited to be doing something with my life. :D

the engine died right smack dab in the middle of the doldrums.

I think I'm getting a stress headache. Perhaps the stress is keeping the headache of yesterday around.

I almost watched Trainspotting today. Then I remembered the baby part. I didn't watch Trainspotting today. I don't know if I ever can again, which makes me sad. The guy who wrote it is nice, married to Megan's friend Beth, and kissed me on the cheek once. He's gentlemanly and damn near unintelligible when you're in a basement-y dive bar in chicago.

I need more things to read. :( I'm running low on Gaiman short stories.

Also, I wish I had never left cvs. I had it good there.

I need a computer away from most of this.

If Steve's dad clicks for that cat that's too scared to go past the kitchen but meows anyways, I'm going to kill him and blame it on hormones. It'll work. This lady in (i think) london got off with probation and a monthly hormone shot. She said she killed someone because she was on the rag. Look it up, I promise you it's true.

I had a dream in the wee hours of the morning that dealt heavily with home possession (as in pea soup puke, not 9/10 of the law) zombie-like adversaries, and my only having furniture to shove at them to stop their tireless slow, stone-faced walk towards me. I managed to jump a fence and run towards some high school fair as I was waking up. It left my mind with a Something Wicked This Way Comes aftertaste.

I awoke to such pain and pressure in my head and behind my eyes that it hurt to lay my head down on the pillow. I tried to breathe through the pain and fall back asleep but the dream had me far past sleeping, even though I had only logged about 3 hours at that point. I finally gave up on Bone and decided to go sit in a hot bath until the warmth dealt with some of the inflammation in my noggin. I'd like to iterate that I am no easy vomiter. I can fight it for a good long while before I give up and decide it's worth the stomach acid in my nose if my gut feels better. I digress... I was standing now, in a shower, watching the bath water swirl down the drain and I was overcome with such a wave of nausea that I almost threw up right in the shower. I thought I wasn't going to make it to the toilet. I had about half a minute to realize I hadn't eaten in over 8 hours, and that was some sunflower seeds. Needless to say, it was much work to get anything up, and it was tinged with blood. Now I'm shaky because most of my body just simultaneously convulsed, my head still hurts, and I'm freaking out about throwing up blood. It's no fun, and my head still hurts. I did go to work for a few hours, so I'm glad about that. Steve said it wasn't enough blood to worry about, and that it was probably anything dry from my sinuses, or some from my stomach after taking two tylenol on an empty stomach. It's alright, I'll just make an appointment to see a doc- Oh Wait. That's right. . . stupid government. Stupid spermicide not cide-ing Superman's sperm of steel. Grrr.


I work again tomorrow night. :( and sunday. But Monday I think I have a tentative date with my parents to go see 10,000 B.C. Sometimes working at a theater is so great.

If anyone knows a decongestant that pregnant folks can take, let me know. Or something that works better than Tylenol. That'd be great, thanks!

Microwave taquitos and a tall glass of milk

sounded so much better while half asleep but starving. I've noticed myself being achy and tired more. It's bad, but it's reassuring. The hormones are still being created, which means the bean is still planning on taking over my life, body first. I asked Steve if he was excited about it today and he kind of hemmed and hawed. Then he said he can't get excited until everything is 100%. He said he realizes how easy it is for me to get excited, as I have the bean living off of me and all. The thing that got to me was him saying it's easier to lose something when he doesn't acknowledge it first. I'm not excited yet either. I'm getting there. I have names picked out, a baby room theme picked out, and I'm just waiting for the government to get their heads out of their asses and send me my damn gateway to OB/GYNs.

There will be liz calling soon. There will be aforementioned clinics and ultrasounds. There will be calling (again) and my berating the people who answer the phones and my questions as to why I don't have a medical card yet.

But that's all things I need to not stress myself with now, as I have no way of contacting and making appointments until probably 9am tomorrow.

Today a friend emailed me with info on getting into medical transcription or something like that. The school takes only a couple months and it costs about $1800 but I'd get to work from home, so no need for a babysitter. Plus, after awhile I'd be making $14 or $15 an hour. The person my friend got the info from has a baby and she makes decent money, so I'm sure I could do that, especially because I would have steve to help until about 1pm or 2, depending on when he needs to sleep.

It's still weird to see him as someone's dad. It doesn't strike me as a bad idea. I'd have done away with the bean long ago if that was the case. I just don't see it yet. He's so wonderful with my nephews, but being a dad and being able to play and relate with toddlers and babies are two different worlds. I should know, I'm of the latter and not too sure I'm going to venture well in the former.

Apart from all that, I've been reading Bone, and it's been good. I need to get a hold of a copy of the second book in the preacher series. If only I had money...

Morpheus and I need to have a word or three...

OR: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize sometimes a Tootsie Pop is just a Tootsie Pop.


I need to remember to put my dreams in here before they fade away over the course of the day.

I've never been the type of person to be able to dream about things that I can recognize from what I've been thinking about or talking about during my day and/or week. Sometimes, but usually I have weird, non-relative stuff floating around in my head. I'm also usually a very lucid dreamer. I understand where I'm at and can sometimes change the outcome. None of this has been true as of late.

It started a couple nights ago. Sometime last week. Let's say wednesday. Now, in the days before wednesday, I can't be too sure when, I realized I was wearing the same underwear I wore when I miscarried back in october. I marveled at why I kept them and how clean they got in the wash. I almost didn't recognize them. I had a fleeting though of "If it happens again these are getting a Viking funeral." Then again, they should probably get one anyway. I didn't give it one more thought the rest of my day.

Now we come to Wednesday night. I guess it would be more like Thursday morning. Steve comes home around 7am, and I wake up, roll over, and fall back asleep. I had slept like a rock through dreamless sleep up until then. Once I fell back asleep it got bad. I can't remember the other 2 or three dreams I had that morning, but I do remember dreaming I was in a bathroom in a hardware store like the one my grandpa used to work at. Dinky little place. I was wearing khaki pants, and as I sat down to pee I noticed the front of them was fine. Nothing on them. Then I pulled my pants down the rest of the way and there was blood everywhere, and I had those goddamn underwear on again. After seeing the blood I looked at the front of my pants again, and the blood had soaked through, and looked like it had been there for hours. Normally, this isn't much of a disturbing dream, but I was so convinced it was reality that I almost woke Steve to tell him we had to go to the hospital. I'm just glad I woke up as the big huge boulder of dread was settling down right on my heart.

A couple days after that I had a dream that I was trying to find work down by my grandparents' house in Jacksonville. Apparently I was going to work at some office for the people who ran the garbage dump. Everyone in there was super overweight and they all would only talk to me after I yelled at them to listen, or yelled "Hello". They just seemed pretty zombie-esque. Not in a way where I feared for my brains, moreso that they were tired and zoned out. Then I was in my grandparents' frontroom. They still had the piano, and they had their old orange sofabed. I haven't seen that thing since I was like, 12. My grandma was telling some little kid they had done a horrible job on their drawing. Not even noticing who the kid was, I started berating her, telling her how incredibly wrong she was. Then she sat down and made this pouty face. Right then, she tied this black and white ribbon that was pinned right at the V part of the neck on this orange sweater vest she was wearing. And I was holding the kid, and it was my nephew Fox. My grandma mentioned how he looked just like his dad. I looked over and Fox was my brother as an infant.

I heard Hanson on the tv then, so I went to look and they were walking through the crowd, singing their song. They had pulled a trio of guys from the audience and they were letting them play their instruments. While dreaming I thought "sexist." Upon waking I thought "How did they find three boys at a hanson concert who liked them enough to know how to play their songs?"

After that I went outside and my cousin derek was there. I ashed him why he was in Jacksonville and he said for a graduation party. I gave him a hug and woke up soon after that. In the dream he never said who's it was, but when I woke up I was convinced it was my brother's.

This brings us to today. My first dream had me at Kori's grandma's house. I didn't recognize it or her grandma, but my dreams often put strangers as my family members. They had a measly little set up on the table for snacks for Kori's friends who came. A couple pieces of candy, and some cups and plates. Probably some silverware too, but my memory of it is fading. I grabbed an orange Tootsie Pop. Kori freaked out after seeing me sucking on it. She snapped at me, saying "That was for Ryan!" I spent the remainder of that portion of the dream looking everywhere for a big bag of Tootsie Pops so I could dump them all over the table and snap right back at her and say "Here, now there's plenty." Only problem was I couldn't find any. So I went home. I lived in this raggedy little old house with maybe 3-5 rooms total. I lived with steve and his dad. Mine and Steve's bedroom was exactly the same as it is now, just in a different house. I told him I was worried because we didn't have an ultrasound of the baby yet, and he said we could just take it out and check it, then put it back in. And then he did just that. I freaked out a little when he tried to put it back in, thinking it would hurt, but I didn't feel anything. Then my parents came by to visit and I spent the rest of that segment of dream trying to get my mom to the side to ask her if it really is ok for the baby to be taken out and put back in. I never got to ask her. The next part had me in what the dream said was Georgia, and I was with Julie and Clay. We were driving around what was supposed to be Atlanta, and he was giving us this detailed tour, full of history about the place. It's all a kind of fast, jumbled ride, so I forget most of the details of that part. The next thing I know I'm in Kori's room, and we're watching some show she got on dvd. She had already got to episode three, so that was what we watched. Then she went to work and I watched episode 1 and 2 to catch up. It had the girl from Scrubs in it. (although I'll always know her as the girl who was becky temporarily on Roseanne) Sarah Chalke or whatever... Anyways, Kori comes back, we start talking about the show, and she gets mad, thinking I watched it all while she was gone. I told her I just watched the first 2 episodes. I must've been reading a magazine or something because I don't remember looking at her while I was talking to her, but she kept talking myspace-y pictures of herself while we discussed how the show made the characters out to be super stereotypical. The girl kept being a typical bitchy/crazy girl, and the guys were sex-crazed, a little dumb, and got to make all the best jokes. I woke up when she deleted one of the pictures she took of herself, deeming it Too "Typical Girl"

Thanks if you read through all that. It's been a weird few days here lately.

It's long and involved, but I beg you, if you know anything about dream interpretation, let me know what's up.

Work sucked last night. I was stuck cleaning the way too full, way too hot popcorn bin. It also seemed that every time I stuck my head in to clean, that was when a customer wanted a refill of something. it sucked. I'm so glad I don't have work today. I should try and go see The Other Boleyn Girl. Anyone want to go? I need to check the schedule anyways.

And I think I completely forgot to punch out last night. I need to stop that.