$1223.64

biggest amount I've had in a bank account, ever.

Kind of makes me sad.

Kind of makes me go "OMG APPLE LAPTOP NOW!!!"

I'm off to pay some credit card bills, and wait on my $600 check. I need to see if that medical transcription job can be done on a mac, cause I hear they're the best for image and art stuff.

Working makes my hips hurt. :(

I want to be working from home so I can get my nose back to being pierced. I liked it. Plus the whole being with the baby thing. of course.

Lazybones

I've spent the better part of the last few days on my ass in Kori's room at her apartment in Champaign. I've watched TV and movies and slept and it's been wonderful.

I've also drank a ton of water. I never drink water. I'm glad it's happening, I need it and it's good for me and the bean.

Speaking of the Bean, I've got another doctor's appointment on monday. They said we might be able to find out what the sex of the baby is. They're also going to send me to the hospital next door to get my ultrasound done. I think I've been feeling movement. I wish I could be sure.

Steve and I are telling his family this weekend. He might have told his Dad already. I hate that I loathe him. I really wish I could just get past stuff and not let him get to me. I think it will be much easier if I'm not living with the guy. I really just don't even want to talk to him, and I think that Steve is angry that i'm not just going to forgive him for screaming at me. For saying he doesn't have to take my shit. Nuh-uh. not happening. I won't forbid him from seeing the Bean, but I really just want nothing to do with him.

Anyways, I'm through wasting what little energy I've been spending this weekend on those not worth it. It's been good for my soul. I've been able to crochet like crazy. Or sleep like crazy. I need to do this more often.

If I EVER get asked to return to cvs, someone slap me in the head and tell me NO!!!

Quitting there again has just made me feel useless, like I can't hold down a job, and like I'm no good at this responsibility thing.

I hate that place so much, so why do I feel so bad for leaving them?

It still hurts a lot that TJ was being such a prick. Is it selfish to think this is a long time coming? That, maybe, he's freaking out about the fact that Steve is around for keeps? I'm so glad they tossed their relationship leftover my way. He's been so great.

I'm so sick of people not worth it making me feel so bad about myself. I know I have shortcomings, and I never have professed any kind of perfection. I know my social skills are shot, and I've burned bridges. I still have it in my head that I'm a relatively good hearted person. Stop me if I'm wrong...

It's kind of like, why did I come back here for everyone to drift further away from me? Then again, if I hadn't moved back I wouldn't have ended up with Steve. I might still be with Justin. Ew.

Well I never had no heroes cause heroes had no time for me.

It seems my stint at cvs, as well as my friendship with TJ is at an end. I was called useless. I was spoken to in some of the most condescending tones I've ever been. I was told they were sick of picking up my slack. I caught them up on a bunch of work they had been slacking on. Did I also mention I'm pregnant??? Did I also mention I lost a baby while I worked there and still tried to stock the milk and stock the store when the truck came rolling in?

I should tell the store manager I'm giving my notice. I should file a complaint about the one assistant Greg.

I really just want to curl up and cry because one of the only friends that I met through Jon that stayed around has finally decided he wants nothing to do with me because I called in 2 days in a row. Nevermind that I cleaned up after him when he threw up in his sleep after drinking a whole bottle of crown royal. I should've just let him choke on his own vomit.

The Name Game

I've got a list or two going, and it needs some narrowing down. Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Girl Names:
Emily
Lillith
Sarah
Evelyn
Amelia
Marianne
Helena
Zoe
Evangeline
Clara
Clarisse
Rose
Alice
Molly

Boy Names:
Dylan
James (middle name, we've already got a bunch)
Alexis
Andrew
Dexter
Calvin
Bartleby(only as a middle name and only if he's being difficult)
Artemis
Jacob
Zeke
Zachary
Bryan
Daniel

Lemme know what you think.

Achtung!!!

My tooth has been hurting. I don't know if it's because the nerve is exposed or if it's because it's infected. I really don't want a brain infection. :(

Brought to you by Harryhausen...

There is a skeleton in my uterus. I'm definitely of the opinion that it will come forth from my loins in disjointed movements, carrying a sword, bound for Jason, or maybe some Argonauts.

If I had a working scanner, I would be posting a picture right now. Proof for the masses that the Skellington girl is with child.

It might be a boy so far.

More as this story, and skeleton, develops.

updates.

Monday I may finally get to meet this Bean O' mine.

At least visually. I might even know what flavor of Belly Bean it is.

As long as it's not popcorn. I always hated those.

Did Clay's journal disappear? If so, I'm sad.

*insert angry growl here*

THIS makes me livid. I think I left a pretty decent comment on it. There's a chance he's not even talking about me, but it fits my situation. Especially through his eyes.

Am I really that horrible for not getting rid of it once I first started feeling sick?

It's not like he even knows my financial situation anyways.

I wish I had just been shallow and petty and told him no, I wouldn't date him because I thought he was unattractive. I wish I would've said "I really am just continuing to date you because I like your friends a lot.

What the hell is with ex boyfriends making me feel horrible about being pregnant? I'm tempted to write Damon and ask him if he's got anything negative to say while I'm already feeling down, or if he'd like to wait until I get back up on my emotional feet again.

almost 10 more days.

April's fool.

Yesterday my mom told me that Jon had posted a bulletin on myspace. It somehow stated that he and his wife were having a baby. It almost ruined my entire day. Seriously. It seemed like I was finally happy with someone, and he gets married. Then, I'm having a kid and he's married and having a kid and all the friends I once shared are rooting for him and not even acknowledging I'm due besides a weighted congratulations.

Then I find out today it's all an april fool's joke.

I could care less if I was made out to be an april fool, I just care that he lied about her being pregnant. It's distantly akin to lying about someone dying, or someone being sick. My feelings may be drastic, and I'm fully aware they A) wouldn't be there if this was the one I lost back in october, and B) will probably change once I see this Bean on a grainy black and white picture.

I'm also angry it got to me that bad. I want him out of my life like he has so eloquently put me out of his. I can't even leave comments on his livejournal. He deletes them. I can bet you a dollar he didn't respond to the myspace message I left him. He never does. Then again, I just told him he could contact my parents about his bike if he didn't want it thrown out.

When things went sour in 05, not a single one of them asked me what happened. Not a one. They just holed up with him and believed every thing he said, so it really looked like I just up and left him. They all ostracized me without getting my opinion on it. Just trusting a guy who stayed at my parent's house after we broke up, and the guy who would wake me up by having his hand down my pants, and then guilt me into having sex with him. I couldn't even sleep in the top bunk bed without a 5 hour long discussion about why I didn't want to be by him.

I miss my friends. I miss so many parts of that life. I miss being able to vent to Kori without her saying "sorry I brought it up." I want to just cut ties, and never think of them again at all, but I'm still friends with Joe and Alex, and I'm still close with Kori and I still want to be close to Mike. They, unfortunately, are still connected. In some way I'm always going to be.

13 more days until I finally see a medical professional.

I'm seriously in need of a decongestant and some advil.

Right now I just have to suffer through and remember my vitamins. I keep forgetting to take them. I got a month's supply on February 12th and I still have a week and 2 days worth left.

According to the internet, the bean's ears are in the right place, and it's getting a spine. It's also apparently 4 to 6 inches long and only weighs a couple ounces. I can't wait until I feel all the calethenics it's apparently doing.

Also, I'm still worried the ultrasound will show some abnormality that will make me not having a baby this fall. But those worries are waning, and I'm trying to stay positive.

I'm playing hooky from work tomorrow and going to the zoo. Hopefully this ear thing will be better by then.