The wake is tonight. I got the night off and I'm trying to be positive and think about how we'll all be able to see each other again, and how I'll get to say goodbye to him.

It's all still so shocking. I've just been kind of numb about it. I bought the paper with his obituary in it today and it still hasn't sunk in. I keep wanting it to be a joke. I think of things like romeo and juliet and how in a few days he'll wake up and go on somewhere else and live some brand new life. I keep thinking of The Truman Show. Maybe his contract was up. Maybe he was about to spill the beans, and I may never see him again but at least he'll live happily outside the TV world.

Then I think how that sounds crazy and I just kind of give in to the hurt and think about all the fun, unique things that were solely Erik. Sometimes I try to walk like he did, with that weird prancy bounce to his step. It always ends up coming off as a tired parody and it just makes me more sad.

I will focus on how Steve has tonight off too. I will focus on my nephews and go visit my mom until it's wake time. And, I will think about how grateful I am to be travelling there and back with Johan, and that he has experience in dealing with situations like this.