Heath is the worst candy bar.

Ok, so Heath Ledger's death has been getting at me since I heard about it. I've never even met him, I appreciated his good-looking-ness but by no means was I a fangirl.

Maybe it's because he makes such a good joker? Maybe it's because my favorite role of his so far could have been the reason he died? Maybe I'm being selfish and am just worried about them not putting The Dark Knight in theaters.

I've been nauseous for the past 2 days. It only settles down when I eat something, and it's never enough to make me actually throw up. It's more like a nervousness, only I'm not really nervous about anything. I sleep at night and catch naps during the day. I'm not usually this tired. I had heartburn the other day, and I guess I've had it a few times in the last few weeks. I've never had heartburn before. I had to ask my sister why I felt nausea in my chest. She told me "That'd be heartburn"

I really really wish I had insurance.

I really really wish Heath hadn't died.

I really really wish that batman movie had come out before his death. It's going to cheapen the experience and now everyone is going to flock to the theaters like idiots to see his last performance.

Not to mention the bible thumping idiots picketing his funeral. Aren't we supposed to not judge? I'd like to know how they're all without sin so I can learn and start throwing my own stones. Fuckers.

...I was saying "Boo-urns"

Be wary, this is a long one.

I applied at Steve's Jewel yesterday. The minute I got home I went right to the computer and had it fired up and internet friendly. I left work early on wednesday with a false headache that I don't care if anyone believed. I had to get the fuck out of there. There's no way I was spending the last hour and a half of my day with someone who hates me because I spoke my mind about someone who was within earshot, and had every ample opportunity to defend herself.

Ok, so I bitched about someone while she was generally only an aisle away the entire night. I just don't care. I mean, I do, to some degree, as I'd rather not like to look like some bitchy, crazed Drama Llama. I just don't want to be there anymore.

Reason the First:
The managers don't back people up.
I have documented plenty of times that Mrs. Liver Cancer with a side of Weekend Alcoholism has not stepped up to the plate. Hell, step up to? She fucking lives in the dugout unless she feels like putting on a good show. Direct quote from when she thought I was just in the runnings to get a promotion: "Oh, looks like I have to start playing the game again." She's been suspected of drinking on the clock. She got taken away in a squad car under suspicion of stealing when Vince and Dumb Brunette stole all that stuff. She continually half asses her half assed-ness.

The last straw? When she left at her usual 4:30am time on monday morning, I was in the back room and the pharmacist was the only person on the floor. She just walked out. I told the manager who came in, and he said I had to talk to her. Fine. I understand, I'm a supervisor. I told him i would. She flat out lied to my (and TJ's) face and said she paged someone up to the front. Tj asked the Pharmacist and he said he didn't hear anything. When I told my managers (the store and assistant) There was a response of "Oh, yeah, sucks don't it?" Ok, that's not verbatim, but it's the general idea of what they said. WTF? how are they my superiors? Seriously, she's done all this, (and I'm not the only supervisor to have filed a complaint) and they don't even call her into the office to talk to her!

Reason the second:
I'm the person with the second lowest pay rate there. There are 5 people on Night Crew.

Gladys has been with the company for years. Fine. Plus, she's a supervisor. I'm fine with her making more. I started at $9 an hour back in late july. So did Liver Cancer. Two girls got hired right before December. Ok, maybe mid-December. I can't remember. It was around then. The one girl who does a wonderful job 110% of the time makes $10 an hour. I understand that $10 is a serious pay cut for her. Fine. She earns it. I'm ok. The other girl started at 9.50 an hour.

I got my raise, folks, I make 9.45. They triple my responsibility and I get $.45? No fucking way. I shouldn't be a supervisor and have more than half the crew make more than me, unless they've all been there for years. Not just 2 months.



I'm done with that place. Finished. I have an interview at Jewel on monday. The only thing that sucks is they want me to do the job Steve does, with him. And we're not supposed to let anyone know we're together. I applied to help the Scan Coordinator. I want to put the sale stickers up every week. I really don't know if I could function well enough to do the job Steve does. He'd probably fire me, and if he didn't, he'd have a hard time explaining why people who did better than me got fired and he kept giving me chances.

Nothing's final, and I still need to go talk to the Store Manager. I just really hope I find something that works out. I sure as hell wouldn't mind stocking since it would mean i wouldn't have to deal with customers, but Steve and I would probably never have the same days off. Ever. :(

Oh, it's a weary web I weave as of late.

I think we've rather definitely established that, Valentine.

Just when I think I hate my job...
Just when I think I can work with Steve as well as live with him and not get sick of him...
Just when I'm decided that I'm leaving that stinkhole to fester behind me...

I was informed today that I was handpicked to participate in a group traveling to a couple CVS stores in the area. We're going to reset the entire Cosmetics section. I would work the shift I work now, Steve is ok with getting up earlier to drop me off in Schaumburg, Lombard, etc... The catch 22??? It's going to be from Feb. 10 to Feb. 29. I looked at the schedule, I work that night. Granted, it's a cleanup night, so it'd be easy no matter what. Maybe I can get the Saturday off after it.

Anyways, I love resetting the merchandise. It requires the kind of OCD that drives me. It's constant work. A 10 hour day goes by like 2 hours. Craaazzy....(insert weird King Louie eyes)

I still want to work at jewel with Steve. Every sunday I'd get a dollar more an hour and the raises are better, and more frequent. It'd be a HUGE pay cut, especially considering my raise most likely went through.

How do I get someone I hate fired??? If Christina "I drink alcohol with my liver cancer" Roman was gone, that place'd be HEAVEN. Absolutely fucking celestial. It's really too bad my managers are as nice as they are incompetent.

Desire is the sibling I've been fighting lately..

It's 3:54pm. I need to be sleeping now. My schedule is all screwed up and it's making me crazy.

I want a normal schedule.
I want my nose pierced again.
I want a nice camera.
I want a bathroom on the same level of my apartment that I sleep on.
I want to be able to put things on my living room floor without having to worry about water damage.
I want my boyfriend's father to go back to work.
I want to buy a two flat when we go house hunting.
I want to adopt a great dane and name him Atticus.

I want to be tired.
I want ravioli.
I want all of Neil Gaiman's Sandman series in my possession.
I want to remember to call people more often.
I want to still be pregnant.
I want to see my nephews even more than I already do.
I want Georgia to trade places with Indiana.

That's all.

The entire way to the wake I told myself I was going to walk right up to that Erik shell and tell it how unendingly mad I was at him for taking the selfish way out. I got there, walked in the room, and stared at the open casket on the other side. My legs got wobbly and I started to cry. Crying is bad in general, but it's so much worse when you're trying your hardest not to.

I hate that I couldn't muster up the will to go see him. When it all boils down and burns the pot, I get to go home from the situation. I will always have fleeting thoughts of erik and it will make me sad, but I get to be distant. His friends and family are stuck living with this reality and I couldn't even swallow my fears and feelings for a few minutes.

Apparently he was wearing his favorite hoodie. I noticed the passport and guitar strap from where I was. One has to think how great it was that his parents thought to do that. I remember the hoodie fine, thank you. I like knowing that when I think of him I can think of him when he was alive. I feel bad for not forcing myself to suffer through seeing him dead, but I really didn't want to remember him that way.

One side effect I've noticed is it's made me think about death a lot more, and how my loved ones are going to die. I helped watch fox on friday, and the entire day I kept having thoughts broadcast in my brain to the tune of "I can bet a million dollars Erik's parents didn't think he'd kill himself when they held him as a baby. Makes you wonder if Fox will do it when he turns 21."

I can't turn stuff like that off and it scares me. I find myself walking around at work thinking that because I'm so attached to [insert person here] they're obviously going to die soon. Sometimes it's more of a damage control thing, where I think about what I'd do in said situation. I also find myself wanting to call everyone I love and get their word in writing that they will never kill themselves. No matter how bad it gets, they'll call me first so I can talk them down from it. I still haven't said anything though, because I worry that they'll wonder about my sanity.

It's just strange and it still feels like he didn't die, and i wish it wasn't affecting me as profoundly as it has.

The wake is tonight. I got the night off and I'm trying to be positive and think about how we'll all be able to see each other again, and how I'll get to say goodbye to him.

It's all still so shocking. I've just been kind of numb about it. I bought the paper with his obituary in it today and it still hasn't sunk in. I keep wanting it to be a joke. I think of things like romeo and juliet and how in a few days he'll wake up and go on somewhere else and live some brand new life. I keep thinking of The Truman Show. Maybe his contract was up. Maybe he was about to spill the beans, and I may never see him again but at least he'll live happily outside the TV world.

Then I think how that sounds crazy and I just kind of give in to the hurt and think about all the fun, unique things that were solely Erik. Sometimes I try to walk like he did, with that weird prancy bounce to his step. It always ends up coming off as a tired parody and it just makes me more sad.

I will focus on how Steve has tonight off too. I will focus on my nephews and go visit my mom until it's wake time. And, I will think about how grateful I am to be travelling there and back with Johan, and that he has experience in dealing with situations like this.

Erik

He was this guy I worked with at my old job. He rang in the new year last night by hanging himself. I wasn't really close to him or anything, so I feel bad being so torn up about it. He gave me rides home a few times and always offered to give me rides. He had all these crazy ideas and he helped the time pass at work by constantly coming up with new crazy things to talk about. I guess I feel closer to him because I liked working with him so damn much.

I was never a big fan of the genres of music his multiple bands played but I liked the stuff he and his friends made. It might have something to do with the fact that he was just a fan of music in general. Who knows?

Happy new year indeed.