Jimmy

I'm working on a portion of the medical transcription training that talks about the muscles in the face. It reminds me of a story my dad tells about how witty my uncle can be.

They were working somewhere, probably a factory. One of their coworkers made some kind of wisecrack. My uncle replied with a resounding "Kiss My Ass!" He was immediately yelled at to clean up his language. Without missing a beat, he said "Apply your orbicular muscles to my rectum and apply suction!"

Yes, from my high school dropout Uncle Jimmy.

There's still no baby outside of my womb yet. I actually think he's got the hiccups right now. I tried to soothe him by rubbing his back, and he responded by punching my bladder. Either I powerful suck at this "maternal" thing, or he's out to get me.

Anybody want to hold a baby?

I have gone far past heartburn and graduated to esophagus burn. Maybe even entire chest cavity burn. I can't go for more than 15 minutes between bathroom trips without being in agony. My lower back feels fine until I lay down. Then it decides to kind of quietly scream at me for awhile. I've had what might be one contraction. Maybe.

The apartment is a dire mess and the carseat is not in the car. I don't care if I have to walk and carry him home from the hospital, I'd like to be on my way to pushing him out.

You all try holding a baby for 9 months.

(All this being said, I'm so excited to see him, You all have NO idea. :D )

Like a dustbuster.

Do all 3 of you avid readers know what really sucks? I am more excited than I've ever been about his arrival, and it's going to be heralded by pain. I know nothing of the extent or duration or time it will begin. I just have to sit here, and judge every slink and slide of his. I have to nitpick and think "is this my water bag leaking? or the normal things pregnant ladies tend to leak?" (apologies for the gross outs, but pregnant ladies leak a lot of things. Get over it.)

He's big now, and when gravity has it's way with him, sometimes it feels like my whole stomach is getting tight. My lower back keeps slightly aching and then fading away and slightly aching again. I seem to have no appetite for food or sleep. It comes and goes so fleetingly I miss the jump on point.

My doctor didn't even check if I'm dilated or anything, so I still have to just assume he's making his way downward. (much to the disdain of my poor cervix).

If I weren't so sensitive to smells, I'd have a bucket right next to the bed, or even a bedpan. I don't care if the room is across the hall or upstairs, the pain involved in walking to the toilet after having held it while I slept four hours or so is agonizing enough to wake me up.

At least when he does finally make his appearance I won't be shellshocked by the sudden lack of sleep.

Wish me luck. I've been slacking on so much lately.

2 weeks.

Nothing seems to be ready yet. I still don't know if I'm going to stay at my mom's for a couple weeks right after. Steve will be off on vacation for the first week, and we'll probably just stay cooped up in the house. It would definitely be nice to have a bunch of people around who have had experience with babies recently. I think I might stay there his first night or so. I can't make Steve lay on that uncomfortable bed much longer than that.

I can definitely feel the little bugger getting all ready to go. I can barely walk without constantly feeling like I have to pee. It's making me extra crazy because I can't seem to sleep more than 4 hours at a time. I end up having to pee so bad it hurts and wakes me up, and then I can't get back to sleep. Now is the time to stock up on sleep, damnit.

I did get to finally see The Dark Knight yesterday. It was darker than I thought it would be. It threw me off. I know that Chris Nolan is not of the school of so many Adam West/George Clooney Batmen, but I really wasn't expecting the complete inability to guess what was going to happen. That definitely constitutes it as great. I hate when I've got it all figured out. I loved Heath as the Joker; he completely blows Jack Nicholson out of the water.

I got to see folks I haven't seen since I quit working at the theater. It was nice. Dex was being his usual self and didn't move for Jade. He never has. He made sure to move as soon as I was sitting comfortably in the theater. We went to Steve's Jewel afterward to check his schedule, and his coworker Loretta said I don't look 9 months pregnant. It was nice to hear, considering the next door neighbor keeps telling me how big I'm getting. I know she means it well. I hope, if she ever finds out, that I call her Lou Pinella with all kinds of good intentions.

2 more weeks. Then Steve gets to hold him for a little while.

Also: Thank you, Clay, for renewing my interest in The Young Ones. I watched some last night and fell asleep during the episode titled Boring. It rekindled my love of Neil. I forgot how much I loved it, and just how unintelligible Mike is unless you're really paying attention.

Heart.

The Zoo has a new baby. I got to see him today. He was born on August 15, and his dad died earlier this year in some freak accident. Turns out curiosity kills the giraffe too.

Sorry, that was a horrible joke. Here are cute baby pictures to make up for it.

Adventures in Medicining 2

I used to date a guy who got quite the laughs from combining things that shouldn't normally go so well together. He argued that adding "mexican" before any noun automatically made the noun funnier. If you have ever been pestered by anyone online with a screen name starting with "Afro" it was probably him.I'm working on suffixes in this portion of my medical transcription adventure, and I can't help but think of him.

Afrocentesis: procedure to aspirate fluid from the afro.
Afrocele: an afro hernia.
Afrogenesis: the beginning of an afro
Afrography: the process of recording afros.
Afrologist: specialist in the subject of afros.
Afromegaly: enlargement of the afro
Afrometry: the process of measuring afros.
Afroplasty: Surgical repair of the afro.
Afroma: Afro tumor.
Afrorrhage: excessive flow or discharge from the afro.
Afrosclerosis: hardening of the afro.
Afrospasm: twitching of the afro.

There you go, Jon. A whole new slew of screennames.

Revisions

I spoke to a friend and she gave me some pointers that really helped me narrow things down. They included, but aren't limited to: No butt shots, no pictures in cages (too depressing) or glass(too easily smudged and fingerprinted and then too much of a chance that's all that will show up on it once they're enlarged), and none with a lot of background noise.

I've narrowed it down to these. The macaw has got the most votes so far, but I really like the gorilla playing with his feet. (her?) I think we're going to the zoo wednesday. I know that they're excited about any zoo babies. They're also doing this whole "Year Of the Frog" thing, but all my frog pictures are sub-par at best.

I suppose I really should be working on school stuff...